Quantifying the Value of Your Words
A new lens for your next dinner party.
I was recently at a dinner party and closely observed who spoke, who listened, where there was dialogue and when there was silence. The patterns of conversation are fascinating.
As I observed I wondered if there is a way to quantify the value of one’s words. Can we measure how much people are listening and more importantly are we being understood? How does the timing of when a person makes a point or the environment play a role – from a mingling cocktail hour to a sit-down dinner to an intimate morning coffee?
As I reflected further on this subject, I realized there are certain people where I hold on to every word they say. I listen attentively to their advice and wisdom because there is trust that was built across time. As I dug deeper into these trusted relationships, there were a few common ingredients that held true:
Consistency: As creatures of need, we often turn to people when we know what we’re going to get from them. The humorous friend when you need to laugh. The spiritual friend, when you need to find your footing. And I also enjoy the reliably spontaneous friends too!
Tone: We hear a tone that matches the environment we are in. Energetic and upbeat at a party, calm and conversational over a morning coffee and entertaining and lively at a sporting event. When the tone doesn’t match the environment or need, there’s some discomfort or awkwardness.
Alignment: Long-lasting relationships usually share common beliefs or goals. Or, when forming new relationships, they start to bud on a common interest or experience. This gives room for connectivity.
Desire to Understand: And, when there is difference, the ingredient is good listening by one party, and having supporting data or evidence by the other party to increase understanding.
My son shared with me in one of his classes, when they have a group discussion, the student who speaks the most, can only speak two times more than the person who speaks the least. This puts a process or metric to guide balanced, collaborative dialogue and listening skills. Great idea!
As communicators, we are always thinking about the ingredients for healthy, trusted relationships. We look for needs of our audiences, we seek alignment and understanding and we explore the right tone for that moment. Enjoy your next dinner party – maybe this time with a communicator’s lens!